He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Never joke about your clitoris.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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