So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
