Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm both gender and math confused
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
