as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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