You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
