Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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