My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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