Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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