"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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