She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
