He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
