im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
