i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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