so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
