I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize