this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
