I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize