She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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