Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
