I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
