I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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