how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
