i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
