i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
