I could have mohawked her pubes.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
