Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
