i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
