just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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