Tell her she can't have a vagina
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
