My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
