There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
