I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
