i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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