i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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