is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
