this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
