my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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