if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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