Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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