you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize