Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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