i think i have two assholes
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
