she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
