The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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