can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
