Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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