at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
