Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
