She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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