so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Randomize
