woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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