I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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