That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
