I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
