She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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