I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
