If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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