There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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