Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
