all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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