My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
