So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My pussy is not your playground.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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