Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
