my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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