Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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