i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
