Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
