there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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